on getting ugly


i hear it happens to everyone, but i do have my suspicions that i am being totally jacked.  what was i, 27 or so when i had jael?  anyways, that’s when i first noticed things going south.  the day i came home from the hospital i looked in the mirror and thought, “what happened to you?”  for the record, it didn’t go away.  and with rahab i got my first official wrinkle.  this was no fine line either.  it wasn’t even a smile wrinkle.  my sister says it’s my, “i don’t care” lines starting to shine through.  but you know, we can live with those sorts of things.  it’s called make-up.  but what judith did was unforgivable.  wrinkles are one thing, but baggy neck and jowls are quite another.  that and i pretty much look like someone punched me in the face.  twice.  this is more obvious since rahab broke my glasses in half, and now no one can be distracted from my raccoon eyes by my fire engine red frames.  even my seven year old helpfully pointed out i looked better with my glasses on.  i agree.  it’s just too bad that they’re in two pieces, now isn’t it?


meet my doppelganger.  i don’t know who she is, other than that she’s an author of some kind.  i ripped her out of a library book at college, on compulsion.  i thought, “that’s me.”  she looks how i feel.  (and apparently how you feel eventually comes out.  so i’d be more careful about that, if i were you.)  we were instant friends.  it was like i could look at her and someone who understood me completely looked right back out.  i would always tell this to people and they would be like, “she doesn’t look like you, psycho.”  well, now she does.  except i think her jaw line is faring a little better than mine right now.  i was never pretty to begin with.  but there were three days there (i think) when i had finally figured out what colors i looked good in, which clothes flattered my body shape, and that clinique could make magic happen.  alas, those days appear to be coming to an end.

but i don’t want to be sad about it.  pretty isn’t everything.  i think the greatest encouragement to me is every time i see some undeniably ugly person in the grocery store, who has her swag together to the point where ugly is just an afterthought.  character, confidence, and style kick pretty’s butt.  and we all know what happens to pretty when it sticks around after it’s expiration date anyways.  it’s not much to put your confidence in.  i think every woman has to face getting old at some point, preferably long after 32.  our only hope is to live in the kind of way that someday, when we wake up without our looks, we’ll have such a reserve of the good stuff that we won’t even notice.  i especially love it when my girls come up to me and say, “mother, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world.”  my mom was never pretty by the world’s standards either, yet somehow i only remember her as beautiful.  she was my mother.  and i want to be beautiful to my children.  i want to be sweet, patient, gentle, and kind.  in short, i want to love them – and that is what beauty is.  because children have an uncanny way of seeing the heart.  i’m not saying i’m quite ready to go to seed and lord knows i’ll still be keeping up appearances.  but at this point in the game, it’s a good to know where your treasure is.  find the cards you want to hold tight and be ready to let a few go.  because it might be sooner than you think.


4 Responses to “on getting ugly”

  1. 1 Anonymous April 18, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    You are so kind Miranda. You made me smile Love Mom

  2. 2 Anonymous April 19, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    I totally get the whole beauty on the inside thing and well I think you’ve always had that and we all can gain a little more everyday. I guess that’s the most wonderful thing about aging–you may gain more wrinkles but that beauty on the inside can keep growing too. Well, I get you Miranda but you’re wrong too. you’ve always been pretty, maybe you’re idea of pretty is different than mine. I’ve always wondered how you could look so lovely without putting makeup on and how you could always fit perfectly in your clothes. I think what makes me uncomfortable about this post is that you insult yourself with such confidence that you make it sound okay.

  3. 3 mavis April 19, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    my husband did point out that i was having a bit of a pity party.

  4. 4 Grammy April 22, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Silly girl. You are beauteous. And my kid loves you. Gayla

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