people often ask me about homebirth. to which i reply, “ew.”
i suffer no romantic notions about the subject. yet, upon consideration, there is one thing that would cause me to give birth the old fashioned way, and that is sticking it to the man. seriously. when we had baby rabies we were under the mistaken impression we had maternity coverage. which means when they handed us our baby there was a $15,000 price tag tied to her toe. nothing like extortion to make you realize your husband could very well have caught the thing at home in the tub. the whole experience made me think twice about insurance. there i was, going my merry way, thinking that having a baby only cost $5,000. you know, that’s reasonable. i’m sure the kid’s worth it. but $15,000? like hell, someone go out back and find me a stick to clench between my teeth. i’m not going to stand for it. the fact of the matter is that people don’t like being had, or more particularly, being overcharged. yet i suspect we endure any number of indignities in the name of “deductibles.” you don’t have to pay for it, so you don’t care. only i suspect if you did, you would.
why is medical care so expensive? it’s not because it’s private and free market driven, that’s for sure. it’s because indolent americans teeter around imagining doctor’s visits are only $20 and prescriptions $10. it’s because our medicine is socialized already. i find it humorous that many think they can fix the problem by making it more so. genius. let me suggest you just tell them where to get off instead. try that. recently marc and i switched to samaritan international, which is a health cost sharing ministry where christians help pay each other’s medical bills. i know, go figure. i didn’t realize it, but there are any number of programs like this. some are more reminiscent of traditional insurance than others. this one isn’t. like i said, i’m feeling frisky. my favorite thing is the $300 deductible. that’s more like it. feeling snuffly? drink some tea and huff some vapo, you’re fine. or, you know, you could run to the doctor and get some antibiotics. i’m just betting when you find out how much they cost you’d rather go to the library and check out “mommy diagnostics“ instead. face it, would you have otherwise? i imagine our dependency on modern medicine is mostly rooted in laziness and the lack of necessity to try something else. i, for one, appreciate the kick in the pants.
the other thing i like is that since samaritan ministries is in fact a “ministry,” it flies under the “government gonna tell ya what to do” radar. you don’t like paying for other people’s reckless godless lifestyle choices, their abortions, sex reassignment surgeries, contraceptives, sexually transmitted diseases, and voluntary sterilizations? well too bad, nobody asked you. ohhhh, you thought insurance was a free and private business? well it’s not. as far as i can see, the only dignity left to us is the fact that we can still leave. write not one more check to the dirty bastards. you know, while you still can, because someday they’re just going to be taking it out of your taxes. even though at this rate i doubt we’d notice. and face it, insurance isn’t that great. they sucker you in with fear and an imagined lack of options and then take you for what you’ve got. they even con you into liking it. don’t we all wish for that government job with posh insurance? well a school teacher in idaho can pay $900 a month for a family of two. that’s like a second mortgage. i have a friend who works in the medical field and was paying $1300 a month for coverage until he told them to die and go to hell. i’m pretty sure that’s what he said. i can only imagine the world would be a better place if we all did the same.
so how does it work? you pay a monthly premium of $150 for singles and $355 for families. there is a deductible of $300 and needs are publishable up to $250,000. every month you are assigned a family with a medical need. you are told who they are, what their problem is, and then you mail them a check in a get well card, signed by your children with smiley faces, who all remember them in their prayers. no obligation, no contract, no overhead. just helping out a brother. and it sure beats selling your soul to blue cross (a.k.a. satan) every month. on the receiving end, say you have a baby. you send your bills to samaritan, they parcel them out to families, and within the month you’re receiving money and notes of congratulation in the mail from total strangers. the upside is that you handle all these bills yourself. you know what they were for, what you were charged, and you pay them all with actual cash. green stuff. crazy. which means you are more likely to say, “holy cow this place is a rip off. i’d rather eat my weight in arugula than come back here again.” amen sister. i may not run around the block for my figure, but i totally would if it meant i could thwart just one medical professional and the healthcare “industry.” samaritan ministries, your first step out of the feed lot and into the free world.
p.s. if you are considering alternative healthcare coverage and want to read something less snarky and more reliable. perhaps with the title, “why we chose samaritan health for our family, we love you jesus.” then just google it. there are lots of reviews and lots of options out there. i’m just here to say, i’m totally with the big sexy hair on this one.